imsosickofthisdepressionbullshit.
constantly agitated.
judgements flying out from deep inside.
death seems peacefull.but i want to live.i've gone thru too much to go back into self hatred and pain.
i want to be happy.
my home environment i've come to the conslusion.. that isn't too healthy for me right now. i want to be outta here. no one here truely understands what im needing at the moment. and i find myself relaxed and laughing when i have the place to myself. maybe i just need that alone time to fully come outta my shell..
its as if i have this armour that not even i'm aware of anymore.
the voice inside my head has opinions of its own. it does not like the people around me. it does not feel anything close to comfort. it does not have any ability of understanding: patients: or love.
i'm constantly pulling myself up from the ground.. trying to remember that it takes time. that you have to go thru blah-ness and bullshit befroe your hardwork shows itself physically.
i'm having a hard time of accepting.. accepting anything from the lack of money THE LACK OF MONEY.. the friend situation .. the work situation .. the body situation.. the future.. the past.. the present.. the idea of being whole.. the idea of being empty.. the transparency.. the attention.. the brokeness that cannot be repaired.. the lack of intimacy.. the impossible idea of being able to embrace another human being for love and sex.. the idea that it is all hopeless.. that maybe i am the impossible.. that maybe i AM right.. that maybe its not all mental.. i cant bare the thort of not doing the things i had planned to do and wanted to do in the future.. i dont know how to continue this new lifestyle without drugs and the mentality that all is ALREADY lost.. i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know! [idontknow]
tomorrow i am travelling to prahran to see an drug abuse councelor but i know that its all underlying issues. and im afraid of opening up and then returning back home and hating it even more and more and more. and what if i dont fit the requirements and what if i cant trust myself.. and what if?
i'm willing to take a risk or two or ten million. risks i dont mind.. but the after effects of any risk i'm not too sure about. i dont trust my head. i dont trust my own judgements. i dont trust myself. i need to seperate myself fRoM myself... and the only way i could do that before WAS with drugs. and that isn't an option anymore. so what do i do? and in the mean time... how do i enter society and feel okay about it. how do i walk down the streets of melbourne and feel okay about it. how do i? [howdoi]?
i have all the questions but not one answer. if i had the answers i dont know if i'd put them to any kind of use. i need something and i dont know what. i need something and i dont know what.
confidance isn't something i have alot of. my mind constantly puting myself down and when i get back up it knocks me back down. the safest thing i've learnt to do is to stay down.. stay down. that way nothing gets worse. cause im fine when things are always but when something changes for the worst> my mind blows it out of proportion. and things go wrong.
howdoigetoutofthis?
whendoesitend?
willieverfindsomeonethatacceptsitallthegoodthebadandallthegreycrapinthemiddle?
who knows...
no really; who knows?
6pm - 2005-04-12
Recent entries:
2 whole decades! - 2022-08-162 whole decades!
understand that you are alive - 2007-03-12understand that you are alive
do yo love it? harder.. and faster? - 2006-04-26do yo love it? harder.. and faster?
short lived and out of focus - 2006-02-02short lived and out of focus
pierced and black - 2006-02-01pierced and black
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